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The prospective donor goes into the sperm bank. The attendant hands him a specimen jar, escorts him to a private room and shuts the door.After a reasonable length of time, the donor has not emerged from the room. 

The attendant knocks on the door and inquires, "Is everything okay?" 

The donor replies, "Well, actually, no." 

He opens the door and explains, "I've twisted it, I've turned it. I pushed it, I pulled it. I even knocked it up against the side of the sink and ran hot water over it.......and I still can't get the lid off the fuckin' specimen jar!"

 

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A faggot had just learned that his lover had died, and he went to the hospital to say a last farewell.

As the doctor followed him to where they kept the corpse, the faggot said:

- Could I please take him home with me?

- Why do you want to do that?"

- I want to cook him and eat him afterwards.

- That's disgusting, what on earth do you want to do that for!?

- I want to feel him glide out of me one last time...

 

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Q: What was Kunta Kinte's prostitute sister's name?

A: Rent a Kunta

 

Q: What's the difference between a job and a wife?

A: After 20 years a job still sucks.

 

Q: Why was the black kid crying while he was having diarreah?

A: He thought he was melting?

 

Q: Why won't mothers let their black kids play in the sand box?

A: Because cats try to burry them.

 

Q: Why should you wrap electrical tape around hamsters?

A: So they don't blow up when you fuck them.

 

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A guy goes into a bar looking to get laid. He propositions the ladies one by one, but with no success. Eventually, he notices an older woman, in her late 50's, giving him the eye. Well, it's getting late, and he's had a few, so he figures "what the hell." He takes the woman home, tears off her shirt, and starts sucking one of her tits.He's pleasantly surprised when a burst of warm fluid enters his mouth. The man smiles, looks up at the woman and says: "Wow, Baby. I thought you'd be a little too old to lactate."

She winks at him and says: "Sugar, I may be a little too old to lactate, but I'm certainly not too young to have cancer."

 

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Confucious say: Man with hand in pocket not always jingling change.

 

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Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children.

The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,but there are 3 parachutes.

 

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The doctor yells out, " Save the children"

The lawyer yells out, "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"

 

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There was this man who went to Las Vagas to win some fortune.

He enters a real cool casino and sees that everyone present in the casino is depressed and they r all gathered around in a circle. When he goes and checks out what's happenein, he comesto know that the owner of the casino has offered $ 1 Millions to the person who can make his horse laugh. This guys goes to the owner and says not a problem :) and goes up to the horse whispers something in the ears, and just then the horse crack up, the horse laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs! Everybody present there gets surprised and this guy takes $ 1 Millionand goes back.......

Around some 7 years later, this guy, a rich person now, goes to the same night club again and sees that the same thing is happening again and this time $ 1 billions is offered to anyone who can make the hose sad and weep. He says again, not a problem goes to the horse and does somethin and the horse starts to weep and cry and cry and is really depressed. He takes the $ 1 billion.

The owner this time says, sir, u have got yer money but now please tell me what have u been doin to the horse?? 

He says the first time i went to the horse and said that my dick is bigger than yours and the horse cracked up, i took my money,and walked away, today i went and showed him my dick!!

 

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Q: Why was the wheelbarrow invented in Africa?

A: So Blacks could learn to walk on two legs.

 

Q: Did you hear why the fag put his arse in the refrigerator?

A: So that he's mate would have something cool to slip into when he came home.

 

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These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild blue yonda when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son " Son you keep your distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoo went right into the side of Mamma.

Down she went screaming out swim son save yourselffffffffff......

 Several months later son and his girlfriend were fornicating around, when off in the distance they spotted the very same harpoon boat. Thinking of his mother, son sort for a plan to get his revenge. Son said to his girlfriend:

"Girlfriend if we swim up behind them we can blow water up on to the boat and sink it." She agreed and off they went, BLOW SPURT BLOW SPURT. And down it went, then son came up with another idea, "Look at the sailors the're swimming away, we can really get them back for Mamma's death, Let's eat them up" but the girfriend replied "Hey I helped you with the blow job, but I'm stuffed if I'm gonna swallow the seamen".

 

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Q. What do you do when the dishwasher quits working?

A. Slap her.

 

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A man walks into a whorehouse late one night. He wants to get a good-looking whore, but they're all occupied right now. He ends up with the most God-awful-looking, old, saggy bitch, and he was so disgusted, all he could do was shit in her face.

To his surprise, he enjoyed this a lot. This became a nightly affair for him, as he would ask for the old whore and shit in her face.

Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, the thrill wore off, so the next time he went in, he asked for a pretty girl and fucked her.

As he was leaving, the old whore ran up to him, fell at his feet and said, "What's the matter, don't you love me anymore?"

 

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There was this guy who was having trouble eating so he went to his doctor...he was told to go home and eat everything through his backside for a week..so he went home and did just that....a week later he went back to the doctor for a checkup and as he walked into the room he was wiggling his arse...the doc took one look at him and said..."Oh George...i didn't realise there would be these terrible side effects!" "What side effects? I'm chewing a mintie!"

 

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This big mean looking american negro walks into a (predominatly white) bar and looks around as if he wants to make a bit of trouble. He walks up to the first guy drinking at the bar and says "I'm big, I'm black and I like to f*ck white women." The guy gets all scared and runs off. He walks up to the second guy at the bar and says "I'm big, I'm black and I like to f*ck white women".

Again, the guy sees that he is outgunned and hits the highway. The negro walks up to the third guy at the bar and again says "I'm big, I'm black and I like to f*ck white women." The guy at the bar looks at him and says "I don't blame you, I wouldn't f*ck a nigger either."

 

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There is this fat guy who weighs about 600 pounds, and no diet seems to work.

So he goes to his friend who owns a whore house, and tells him that he'll do anything to lose weight. His friend tells him for 50 dollars, he can lose 100 lbs. The fat guy goes for it. His friend leads him into a room with a gorgeous brunette, and she says "If you catch me you can fuck me". So he runs and runs for hours, and loses just over 100 lbs. He is so excited he goes back a couple days later (as soon as he could).

The second time he goes into a room with a chesty blonde, with an ass to die for. This time he loses about 150 lbs. The fat guy is all excited since he only ways about 350 pounds, and goes back again. This time he tells his friend that he'll do anything to lose 200 pounds and be skinny. So his friend charges him a thousand dollars, and leads him to a new room. This time Mike Tyson is in the room and he says "If I catch you, I'M GONNA FUCK YOU!"

 

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There was a couple that checked in a motel and asked for the honey moon suite.

The manager gave them the best room in motel. Just as the sun set, the groom was leaving the lobby with all of his fishing tackle. He didn't return until the next morning. The manager thought that this was quite strange, but he thought that it was just first night jitters. The second night, the groom was leaving as the sun set with all of his tackle again, and didn't return until sunrise. The manager thought this was quite strange, seeing that it was their honeymoon, and decided that if he saw the groom going fishing that night again, that he would have a talk with him.

Well, as the sun was going down, the groom was going through the lobby with all of his fishing tackle again, and the manager stopped to talk with him. "Sir, excuse me, I don't want to seem rude, but I was curious" The groom was a little hesitant, but stopped for the manager. "Yes, what is it". "I've noticed that you checked into the honeymoon suite, but you have gone fishing every night that you and your bride have been here, may I ask why?"

Well, the groom was taken back abit, but said "My wife has syphilis." The manager felt bad for asking, but said "You know, there is allways oral sex." The groom replied "My wife just got a tooth pulled, and we can't do that either".

The manager was feeling like shit now, but had to try to solve this guys problem. "Sir, you know there is allways anal sex". The groom looked at the manager and started to cry. "My wife also has the shits right now." The manager had had enough. "Sir, I hate to be rude, but if your wife has all these problems,why did you marry her?" To that the groom responded "My wife also has a tape worm, and it's the best damn bass bait I've had in along time."

 

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It's the first day in school, and all the 6-year old kids are nervous, crying, and staring at the teacher. The teacher decides it's time for a little word-game, just to get the group going.

Teacher: "Ok, who can come up with a word that has been said at home yesterday?"

Obviously, no kid raises their finger, because everyone is too nervous and embarrassed. Only little Johnnie, sitting way back in the classroom, raises his finger.

Teacher: "Well Johnnie?"

Johnnie: "Hotdamn."

Teacher: "Uh.. hmmm.. well.. How did you get by that word?"

Johnnie: "Well ma'am, yesterday me and me dad was watchin' TV, and me dad sez, `Hotdamn, I'm outta beer!'".

Teacher: "Hmm.. uhh.. well Johnnie, that's not such a nice word now, is it. But who can come up with another word?"

Obviously, again, no one dares to raise their finger. After a minute or so, one lonely hand is raised in the air, again Johnnies. The teacher, now more apprehensive, asks Johnnie to say the word again.

Johnnie: "Piss."

Teacher: "Hmmm.. uhh.. well Johnnie, how did you come up with that one?"

Johnnie: "Well ma'am, yesterday me and me dad was watchin' TV, and me dad sez, `Hotdamn, I'm outta beer!' So me dad sez, `C'mon son, let's run down to the 7-11 to get some more piss!'"

Teacher: "Well now Johnnie, that again is not a very nice word. I think we'll have to brush up your vocabulary a bit in this period. Well children, who can come up with yet another word?"

Of course, no one still raises their finger, only -- again -- little Johnnie. The teacher doesn't really have an alternative than to let Johnnie say his word again.

Johnnie: "Contagious."

Teacher: "Well now Johnnie, that is a really fine word. How did you get by that word?"

Johnnie: "Well ma'am, yesterday me and me dad was watchin' TV, and me dad sez, `Hotdamn, I'm outta beer!' So me dad sez, `C'mon son, let's run down to the 7-11 to get some more piss!' So as we left, me mom sez, `While y'all gone, I think I'm gonna vacuum the livin' room...' So we go to that 7-11, buy the piss, and head home, and when we get home, me mom is still vacuuin' that room.. So me dad sez, `Jesus.. it's takin' that contagious...'"

 

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There was this old, old rooster on this farm. The rooster couldn't fuckall the chickens anymore, so the farmer bought this new, young rooster.

The old one walked up to the young one and said: 'Let me have my favourite chicken, please?' But the young rooster didn't agree.

But the old rooster kept on asking and asking and challenged the youngrooster: 100 m run, old rooster ten metres ahead (this rooster was very old).

The young rooster agreed and the next day the race began:

old rooster 10 metres ahead, all chickens were watching.

On your marks .....

Get set .....

GO!

 

The old rooster ran and ran as fast as he could, but the younger of thetwo ran faster...

80 m to go...70 m to go...

The young rooster came closer and closer.

50 m to go...

..30 m to go...

The gap : 3 m

20...15...10...

The young one right behind the old one

5 m...

Then the farmer shoots with a big rifle.....BANG!!!

'Damn, this is the fifth gay rooster this week!'

 

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Two lesbians were standing at a bar drinking when another girl waved from across the bar.

"Who is that chick?" one said to the other. "I'd sure like to get her spread out on my sheets."

"No you wouldn't," said the other. "She's hung like a doughnut."

 

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A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him: hey, in the army they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. So the sailor says: yeah, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.

 

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A little boy walks into a public restroom where a marine is taking a piss. he says to the marine: sir, are you a real marine? yeah, would you like to wear my hat? yes, please! so he puts on the marine's hat. a sailor walks in. the boy says, sir are you a real sailor? yeah, would you like to suck my dick? no, i'm not a real marine, i'm just wearing his hat!

 

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A mature woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

 

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be," he replied.

 

"Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow, and the last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look.

But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!"

 

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A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if you can get AIDS from oral sex.

"Yes," the pharmacist says, "statistically, you are more likely to get AIDS from oral sex than straight sex. You should still use a condom."

"OK, I'll take one."

"Will that be cash, check, or charge?"

"Just put it on my bill."

 

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Q: What is black, white, and red and can't get through a revolving door?

A: A nun with a spear through her head.

 

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Q: What is Black and White and runs along the boardwalk making a lot of noise?

A: A Nigger and a seagul fighting over a chicken bone!

 

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There was a boy who lost his left eye in an accident. I think he shot it out with a BB gun. His parents were too poor to buy him a glass eye but found a doctor who could provide a wooden eye that was affordable. The wood eye looked less than realistic and the boy was very self-conscious

about it and consequently didn't socialize much. The big school dance was coming up and his friends asked if he planned to attend. He said "No I don't think so. I would be too embarrassed because of my wooden eye." They finally reassured him that no one would pay any attention to his eye and convinced him to go to the dance. At the dance he remained off to the side afraid to confront any of the girls and ask them to dance. His friends kept encouraging him but he would say "I don't know what she would think about my wooden eye." After a while his friends noticed a girl across the room who was also shyly standing off to the side. Looking closer they noticed that she wasn't unattractive but did have a serious hairlip. They went to their friend and said "Look! There is a girl across the room with a hairlip. She is obviously just as self conscious as you are and certainly won't be offended by your wooden eye. Go ask her to dance." After some apprehension he finally worked up his courage and took the long walk across the dance floor and approached the hairlipped girl. He said "Would you like to dance with me?" The girl excitedly replied "Would I? Would I?" The boy immediately screamed back "Hairlip! Hairlip!"

 

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An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple comes back a few days later. They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was afraid of this." The old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

 

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Hillary Clinton goes into a hospital to evaluate the new health plan. She walks by a room and sees a man lying in bed watching a porno and jerking off. She goes to the front desk and says to the nurse," You should be ashamed of yourselves. I saw a man lying in his room jerking off." The nurse says, "He has to do that or he'll die." Hillary says,"Oh, I guess it's OK then." She walks to the next room only to see a man lying on his bed while a nurse is giving him a blow job. She goes back to the front desk and tells the nurse, "I'll admit the first man has a medical condition, but this is disgusting." The nurse says,"That man has the same condition as the first man." Hillary says,"Oh, but why is he getting a blow job, while the first man is jerking off?" The nurse says," Better medical coverage."

 

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This man, being concerned about tha rapings lately, gives his polish wife a rape whistle "just in case". The next night she comes home from work. He askes her "How was your day dear?". She replies back "Not bad, but you know that whistle you gave me?" He says "Yeah . . . what about it?" She then replies "It don't work!!"

 

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Your mom is so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!

 

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A man walks into a used car dealer, and looks around at the spare parts counter. The salesman behind the desk says to him: "Can I help you Sir?" The man looks at the sales rep and says "I'd like a windscreen wiper for my Lada please." The salesman replies "I think that's a fair swap..."

 

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Q: What's Rodeo Sex?

A: It's where you fuck her doggie style, with a tit in each hand,

and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes it this way, too."

 

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Q: What's yellow and sleeps alone?

A: Yoko Ono.

 

Q: Why can't you take a leak at a Beatles concert?

A: There's no John.

 

Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

A: Three more rounds.

 

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Q: What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs in front of a window?

A: Curt 'n Rod

 

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Q: Did you hear about the blond opening up her own pizza place?

A: She's calling it "Pizza Slut".

 

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This little boy says to his mother " Mommy, I have to g and tinkle." The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy to take you?". The little boy responds back " No . . . let grandma . . . her hand shakes! "

 

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Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!" And the second one says, "Shut up! This one does!"

 

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Q: How do you know that you've got overweight?

A: If you're lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try pushing you back into the sea.

 

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Q: why do blondes wear black underwear?

A: In remembrance of all the stiffs buried there...

 

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Q: There's an Australian, a Negro and an Italian all in primary school.

Which one has the biggest dick?

A: The Italian - cause he is 26 years old!

 

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There is an American, a German, and a Frenchman who stumble upon a pass in the mountains with a sign on the entrance that says, "Yell the name of the country you come from and your country will receive whatever echoes back." So the German goes first, he yells "Deutchland" (translated as Germany) and the echo returns land land land land.... So the Germans get alot of land. The Frenchman takes his turn next and yells "Frankrich" (translated as France) and the echo returns rich rich rich rich.... So the French get alot of money. Now it's the Americans turn, he yells "United States" and the echo returns aids aids aids aids.....

 

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A woman goes to have a hysterectamy (I'm an art major, not a medical student), and is worried about the pain and asks "Doctor, is this going to hurt?"

The doctor responds "It may, but we can numb your vagina." The woman agrees. So, at the operating table, the woman says "Ok, doc, numb my vagina." 

The doctor spreads her legs, goes down on her and bellows "Num, Num, Num, Num!"

 

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Q: How do you fix your dish washer?

A: Kick her in the ass.

 

Q: How many niggers does it take to clean a toilet?

A: None, that's women's work!

 

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A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.

A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart." He held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low "Hsssssss."

A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart." The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss."

"Jesus Christ!" the truck dirver exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen to this." A moment later he emitted a deafening staccoto machine gun burst from his ass.

"Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!"

 

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A woman turned to a man at a singles bar and asked, "Do you prefer legs with panty hose or bare legs?"

He smiled and replied, "I prefer something in between."

 

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One night a man was getting very drunk in a restaurant. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his dick out as he went in the door. But he'd wandered into the ladies' room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the toilet.

"This is for ladies!" she screamed. "This is for ladies!"

The drunk waved his unit at her. "So's this!" he shouted back.

 

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A man got a raise and decided to go out and buy a scope for his hunting rifle. He went to a gun shop outside of town and the clerk fitted a scope to his gun. "This scope is so good, you can read the name on the mailbox of my house way up that hill," the clerk said, pointing out a window. The man looked through the scope and a big grin went over his face.

"What's so funny?" asked the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman through the window."

"That can't be!" the clerk exclaimed, taking the rifle. "My wife's at work." Looking through the scope he found the man was right. Furious, he gave back the rifle and said, "The scope is yours free if you take these two bullets. Shoot my wife in the head, and then shoot off that guy's dick."

The man, looking through the scope, said, "I think I can do that in one shot."

 

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Q: What's the definition of frustration?

A: When your date puts on her bra backwards and it fits.

 

Woman: Slow down, foreplay is an art.

Man: Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon, I'm going to spill my paint!

 

Q: Why are women like screen doors?

A: Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

 

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

A: They put a toilet seat on the stove.

 

Q: What's marijuana?

A: Grass that can mow down a gardener.

 

Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you you have VD?

A: Having your dentist tell you.

 

Q: What's a wife?

A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

 

Q: Why can't you give a Puerto Rican a blow job?

A: Because you can't give a Puerto Rican any kind of job.

 

Q: What do you do with a dead Texan who's too big for his coffin?

A: Give him an enema and put him in a shoebox.

 

Q: What's a Polish vibrator?

A: A mop handle and six relatives shaking the bed.

 

Q: Did you hear about the Black man with insomnia?

A: He kept waking up every few days.

 

Q: How does a WASP decide sexual compatability?

A: They both have headaches every night at ten.

 

Q: What do the US Postal Service and the Kinney Shoe company have in common?

A: 500,000 Black loafers.

 

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An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful japanese girl who speaks little english, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway. So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She starts yelling this japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy! He's never had it so good. So the next morning, he's golfing with the japanese ambassador, and he makes a birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out. The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that was the right hole..." huh huh huh huh huh, he said hole.

 

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I'm sitting on the shitter at Metro Airport and I'm backed up like rush hour traffic on twelve mile road. I'm grunting so hard I swear I popped a vein in my neck but not even a corn kernal exits. I suddenly hear the door slam open and someone running to the stall next to mine. This guy's trying his best to get his money in door and finally gives up and crawls underneath. I then hear the sweet sounds of someone taking a real healthy dump. Reverberations that I'm sure were picked up as earth tremors throughout the globe. I pipe up, "Gawd Damn!, I wish that was me right now." to which this guy replied, "Ya, I wish it was you too. I didn't get my pants down in time".

 

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Two lesbians in the bath.

Lesbian1: Where's the soap?

Lesbian2: Yes, it does rather.

 

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A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage". So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!" So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he justs lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

This luscious blonde is tanning topless at the big hotel swimming pool.

 A big macho dude, Charles Atlas type, with muscles bulging decides he's going impress this bird. He puts everything down next to her and jumps into the pool. He swims 120 lengths and gets out. While drying himself off, he says to her: "Whew, that was great! I used to be an Olympic swimmer."

 She dives straight into the pool and swims 200 lengths in less than half the time. Not a gasp.

 "It was nice," she says, "I used to be a prostitute in Venice."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

There was an american, german, and polack that were being held during the french revolution. They were to be be-headed in the morning.

 When morning came, they stuck the american in the guillotine.

When the blade came down, it got stuck half way. They figured it had to have been an act of God, so they let him go.

 Then they stuck the german in the guillotine, and the same thing happened, it got stuck half way. Again they figured it was an act of God and let him go.

 Then it came time for the polack. As he steps up to the guillotine, he looks up at it and says " You guys are so dumb!

If you put a little grease on it, that thing would work fine!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

This cowboy was out in the desert and was captured by a renegade tribe of indians. The chief of the tribe told the cowboy that in 3 days he would be killed and that he should prepare himself for death. The cowboy's only response was to ask if he could talk to his horse. The chief dind't see anything wrong with that and told the cowboy that it was ok. The cowboy went over to his horse and whispered in his ear. A few minutes later the horse galloped off. After an hour passed the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. Well the cowboy and the blonde did the nasty all night long. The next day the chief went to the cowboy and asked if there was anything else he needed, for he would be put to death in 2 days. The cowboy again asked if he could talk to his horse. Again the cowboy whispered in the horses ear and again the horse galloped off. This time it returned with a brunette. The cowboy and the brunette slapped together all night long. The next morning, the chief returned and told the cowboy that he had only 1 day left. The cowboy again asked if he could talk to his horse. This time the cowboy didn't whisper. He said, "For the third and final time, I said POSSE!!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

This guy only had $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so he went to the whore house & asked what he could get for $5.00. The madam said she didn't have anything, but the guy insisted he HAD to get laid. She finally felt sorry for the poor bastard, so she took him up to a REALLY old lady who cleans up the place , and said he could have her for $5.00.

 They started getting it on, but it was really dry & rough. After a while, however, it got _really_ moist & smooth. He finally exploded, and they started talking about it.

He told her how rough it was to start, but how GREAT it got, & that it was the best he'd ever had, once things started moving!

 She said, "Yea, I know what you mean, once all those blisters popped, it really felt GREAT for me too!".

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

My friend Matt came back from his weekend and told me that the funniest thing happened to him this past weekend.

He and some friends had just left a bar all messed up and one of the kids who was drunk decided he could drive. This wasn't too smart it turns out as the kid ended up driving the wrong way on a one way street and a cop was sitting there in his car.

 The cop asked the kid about his reasoning, driving up the wrong way.

"Didn't you see the arrows?" the cop asked.

 "No, officer," the kid replied, "I didn't even see the indians."

 He was busted for DWI.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

An intrepid explorer in the deapest darkest of jungles is captured by hostile natives. Under normal circumstances, this particular tribe kills all outsiders but the chief sort of takes a liking to the explorer. So he proposisions the explorer....

 "Look," says the chief, "we can never let you return to your world and normally we would kill you. But since you seem to be a very honorable man I am going to give you a chance to live as one of us. If you pass our test of manhood then you shall live as one of us. If not, you shall die."

 The explorer, having no other option, says "OK" and asks for the details of the test.

 The chief explains, "To become a man in our tribe you must complete three tasks: 1) You must drink one gallon of our strongest ale. 2) You must pull an impacted tooth from the jaws of a tiger. 3) You must satisfy a homocidal nymphomaniac twice."

That night, the explorer is brought before three tents. The chief informs the explorer that within the first tent he will find the ale. Within the second tent he will find the tiger. And within the third tent he will find the nymphomaniac.

 Seeing no reason to waste any time, the explorer enters the first tent.

 Twenty minutes later he emerges. He can barely walk but somehow manages to stagger his way to the second tent.

 Almost immediately shrieks of pain and horror could be heard from within the second tent, but alas, after half an hour the explorer emerges victorious.

 Torn to pieces by the tiger, the explorer looks at the chief and says, "Now, wheers tha woman with the thore tooth?"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Here is another one, these 2 black guys go into a church and they start eating peanuts. One of the black guy throws some of them on the floor, the priest looks at him and says what are you doing? This is a holy place, you can't do that. The black guy says don't worry i will pick it up later. So he goes in front of god, his friend watches him and he sees that god said something too him. His friend asked him what god said to him, he says lets just go. His friend said no no, i want to go in front of god he said something to you. He says let just get out of here, his friend says what did he say? The black guy, he said "Listen asshole, pick up the peanuts, take your black friend and get the fuck out of here".

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Once upon a time there was a german, american and pollack. All three had been overseas to some third world country. While at this third world country, they all had managed to be suspects for the murder of one of the high government officials of this dreaded land. The community had gotten together to decide what should be done to have justice served. They ran into a problem, however. No one could decide who they guilty man was. Then from the back of the room where the community meeting was held, a voice cried out. It said "guillotine 'em all!" So this was the decision agreed upon by all. This decision was final, and was to be carried out the following morning. When morning came they were all informed that they would each get a last request. Then it started. Each man was led through the town square to be decapitated. The german was to be first. He was asked if he had a last request. The german responded "Yes, would you please see to it that my wife is taken care of?" He was told that this would happen and was lowered under the mighty blade. The lever was released and the blade fell short of reaching his head by about 2 inches. The people of the land decided that this was an act of God saying that he was not guilty, so they let him go free. Next up was the american. He was asked if he had a last request. The american responded"Yes, may I please smoke just one last cigarette?" The answer was yes and was allowed to light up. After he was finished he was lowered under the mighty blade. The lever was released and the blade fell short of reaching his head by about 2 inches. The people of the land decided that this was an act of God saying that he was not guilty, so they let him go free. Finally the pollack was to meet his death under the mighty blade and was asked if he had a last request. The pollack stood there for about two minutes with a dumbfounded look on his face trying to think of a last request. Then his eyes lit up and said yes. He responded by saying"Look, there is a kink in the chain!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 Q: Why don't art students open their curtains in the morning?

A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

This chinese guy walks into a bar and sees the bartender is black. So he says, hey nigger give me a jigger. The black guy says hey this racism is fucked up. It's all bullshit, how would you feel if i call you a chink. The chinese guy says no problem, i wouldn't mind. The Black guy says, ok we will change places. So the black guy leaves the bar and the chinese guy goes behind it. The black guy walks in a few minutes later casually, and he says hey chink give me a drink.The chinese guys says "Sorry we don't serve niggers".

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

 "Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

 "Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarian on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cooking from the doctor.

 "Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.

They decide that when they get home, theyUll do the first thing that the women ask.

 The next night, theyUre in the same bar.

 The first guy says *man, i donUt think that our idea was so great! I wassitting on the couch watching tv, and i dropped my cigarette on the couch. my wife said why dont you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering.*

 The second guy said *that ainUt nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why dont you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night.*

 The third guy said *you guys donUt have nothing on me. When i walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and i felt a little romantic. i reached down, and she said Cut that out! Ever seen one of these real close?

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q. What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?

A. At least you can drive a golf ball 200 yards...

 

Q. What is the difference between a LADA and a tampon?

A. A tampon comes with a tow rope.

 

Q. What is the difference between the Jehovah's Witnesses and a Lada?

(small car made in Russia.)

A. You can shut the door on the Jehovah's Witnesses.

 

Q. Why do Lada's have rear window heaters?

A. To keep your hands warm when you are pushing it.

 

A guy walked into the Service Station and asked "do you have a rear view mirror for a Lada?" to which the Attendent replied "Sounds like a fair swap to me."

 

Q. how do you double the value of a lada?

A. fill it with petrol

 

Q. What's the difference between a LADA and a sheep?

A. It's more embarrassing if you're caught getting out the back of a LADA.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

There's going to be a blood bath in South Africa. Tampax is pulling out.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

There are two guys in a bar talking. One guy says to the other,

" Don't ya hate it when you go to say something, but it comes out wrong ? Like when I was at the train station, and the ticket chick had HUGE tits! I mean huge ! I went up and said 'Can I have a picket to titsberg ?' instead of 'a ticket to pittsberg' " The other guy says, " Yeh, I know what ya mean. The other day I was sitting down for breakfast, and I meant to say 'Honey can you pass the sugar ?' but it came out as

'YA FUCKEN RUINED MY LIFE, BITCH !!!!'"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

After being cooped in the pin for 10 years all this guy could think about was eaten some pussy. And now he was finally let out with nothing but a pair of clothes and $10. He was going everywhere looking for the nearest whore house, chanting 'PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY...' Finally he found one he runs in and says,' I've been locked up for ten years, and all I've thought about was gettin me some Punte'. What'cha got for ten dollars?' The guy replies,'Sorry ten dollars won't get nothing no more. No wait, I think I've got something for you. Follow me.' He takes the ten and they leave down the hallway. The guy spots a girl sucking a guys dick through one door, and he begins to chant pussy again. Soon after he sees two girls woring th 69. he chants louder. He sees more and more, till finally they reach the end of the hall. 'Here it is' the other guy tells him as he skips off. Then he looks only to see:

A fat geezy old cheddar cheeze looken bisquit layen eyesore seeyen bed spring squeezen flabby ass titties bitch. Laying flat naked accross the bed. 'Oh well, It's Pussy' and guy runs and throws his face in her crotch. He starts lickin and eaten over and over till he gets a peace of broccoli nugged in his teeth. He pulls it out and eats on, untill a peice green beans gets stuck now. 'Man I should have brushed my teeth today' he says as he spits that out also. Then after eating her out some more gets a peice of meet stuck in his teeth. 'Meat! I don't remember eating any meat lately! I think I'm going to be sick...' Then the fat lady says,' That's what the last guy said!!!!!'.' YACKKKKKKK!!!'

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Ok, there's this guy walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the barman and asks him for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1p."

"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes...". 

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir, " replies the barman, "but that all comes to money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4p", he replies. "FOUR PENCE!?!!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the bloke who runs this place?"

The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife.."

The guy goes "What's he doing with your wife", to which the barman replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business..."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

It all began when the big crime boss developed a scheme to monopolize in cheese production. Sometime around one o'clock in the afternoon the big crime boss called in his three men that he always went to when he needed a little bit of dirty work to be done. These three men were big and strong and could always get the job done. One of them was a german, another an american, and the last a mexican. The mission given these three heros was to go across town and steal mass quantities of their favorite kind of cheese from their companies competitor. This would allow for The BIG Cheese Co. to pull ahead in production and maybe turn over some profit. The three men prepared for this mission by each grabbing a large backpack to throw the cheese in once the had gotten their hands on the cheese they so desired. The time came when this was to be done. Each had the big adrenaline rush thing going and was ready to execute. They went through the back door and split up, each into their own selected cheese section. The american was the first one to come back out. It wasn't long before the german had come running after him either. While they stood behind the dumpster waiting for the mexican to come out they asked each other what kind of cheese each had grabbed. The american being from wisconsin told the german, "I got some good sharp cheddar cheese!" The german had responded by saying, "I don't know how you americans can stand that stuff, your not really a man until you've had some lindberger cheese, that's what I grabbed!" Just as the german finished what he was saying out came the mexican still loading his bag with cheese. The three men figured that they should hurry up and get out of there because they could here a security guard yelling something at the mexican. The three men had ran about a block before they had to stop, and gasp for a breath. The american and german noticed that the mexican had gotten away with an extremely large stash of cheese and they became exited. They immediately started thumbing through his cheese to see what he had gotten. They saw all kinds of cheese, from swiss to mozzerella. They asked the mexican, "Don't you have a favorite cheese?" The mexican responded, "Of course I like nacho cheese."

The american and german looked again, but saw nothing that looked like nacho cheese. The american had said,"I hate to tell you this Jose', but you didn't grab any nacho cheese!" The mexican said, "What do you mean there was some nigger back there telling me- That's NACHO cheese!

That's NACHO cheese!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A not-so-well-off couple just got married, and are forced to "honeymoon" at her mother's house. That first night, the wife says to her mother:

"I can't sleep with this man, mother. I've never done it before"

"Dear, you have to sleep with him on your wedding day to make things proper"

So the girl goes up to her room where her husband is undressing. When he takes his pants off, she sees that his legs are the hairiest she's ever seen.

So she rins downstairs screaming "I can't do this mother, I can't sleep with somene so hairy!"

"No dear, you have to do this. It's just right that you consumate your wedding."

So back she goes. This time, her husband is taking off his shoes and socks. She soon notices that one foot if fine while the other is mangled, and has only two toes.

Again the girl runs down screaming.. "Mother..I can't do this. I just can't sleep with a with with a foot and a half"

"You're right, dear, this is a job for your mother!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

So this little girl is walking home from school when a man pulls over to the side of the road, and calls to her "If you get in I'll give you a loolipop." The little girl ignores him and keeps walking. The car follows along behind her, and again the man driving calls to her:

"If you get in, I'll give you TWO lollipops." The girl ignores him, and she keeps walking as the car follows her along the street. Finally the driver says

"Hey, if you just get in for a tic, I'll give you THREE lollipops." To this the little girl turns t him and says "Hey dad, you bought the bloody lada, you can drive it"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Two aboriginal men drowned at a food factory yesterday when they fell into a vat containing a mixture of milk, egg yolk, sugar and cornflour.

 Black deaths in custard!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a lady in a bathtub?

A: A nun has hope in her soul!

 

Q: What's the difference between a circus trapeze act and a football cheer squad?

A: One's a cunning display of stunts!

 

Q: Why did cave-men drag their women by the hair?

A: If they dragged them by the feet they'd fill up with rocks.

 

Q: What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?

A: A fruit stand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A guy walks into a pet store, where a parrot is sitting on a perch at the front door. He looks over at the parrot and the parrot says "HEY! FUCK YOU!!!". The guy is floored by the parrots remark, but blows it off and goes about his business. As the guy is walking out of the store the parrot again says "HEY! FUCK YOU!". The guy is insulted this time and goes back to the store owner and tels him what the parrot just did, the owner does not believe him, so they go back to the front of the store, and once againg the parrot says "HEY! FUCK YOU!!"

The store owner assures the patron that he will take care of this problem......

.....Weeks pass and the guy comes back in the store, the same parrot is sitting on the perch at the front of the store. The guy give the parrot the eye as he walks by and sure enough the parrot says "HEY???

 The guy answers "WHAT!!!" the parrot then replies "you know what!!!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

This mexican couple where just popin babies and decided to go see a doctor about birth control. They had too little money for any surgery or pills so the doctor gave the husband a condom and asked him to come back in three weeks to see how everything is coming along. Three weeks later they came back and he gave the wife a pregnancy test. She came out positive, upset the doctor asks 'I gave you that condom didn't you use it?' With a grin the husband replies 'Ofcourse, infact I'm still wearing it.' Puzzled the Doctor responds 'Still wearing it?!? How do you take a piss?' 'I'm not stupid, I cut a hole in it for that!'

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Two rich aggies where getting back from a hunting trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behindthe bushes. Then he came back and the other said 'That was fast' 'Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with' The other answers 'That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass' 'O.K.' he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and says 'That was aterrible idea. Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands, I've got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!'

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A man is driving down the road and sees a farm. He knocks on the door of the farmhouse and a farmer answers.

Driver: Can you spare some mustard?

 Farmer: Sorry, don't have any.

 Driver: Well, you've got mustard weed down in that field there.

 Farmer: Yeah, but you can't get mustard from mustard weed.

 Driver: I can.

 Farmer: Well, be my guest.

 A half an hour later the driver comes back with a jar of mustard.

Next day, the driver knocks on the door again.

 Driver: You wouldn't happen to have any milk would you?

 Farmer: Sorry, no milk.

 Driver: Well, you've got milkweed don't you?

 Farmer: Yeah, but you can't get milk from milkweed.

 Driver: I can.

 Farmer: Well, be my guest.

 A half an hour later, the Driver comes back with a gallon of milk.

Next day the driver knocks on the door again.

 Farmer: Hey, the miracle man! What you gonna pick today?

 Driver: Pussy willow.

 Farmer: I'm going with you this time!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Three men an american, an irish and a polish man were all sentenced for there part in the assasination of the prime minister. Their sentence was to be locked in a big room for twenty years, but they could take one thing in with them. So the guard asked the american and he said "I'll take my wife, so atleast I can have fun" so the guards brought his wife in and locked in the room. Then the guard asked the irishman and he said "I need liquor" so he was locked away with 20 years worth of alcohol. Then the polish guy says "I know what I want I want 20 years worth of ciggaretts" so he too got what he wanted and was locked up.

 20 years later....

 The guards opens the americans door and out comes him, his wife and a three kids and they're all smiles. next they opens the irishmans door and he's sitting there laughing his ass off and invites the guard in for a drink. (he has no clue what day it is) next is the polish man. They open the door and he says "anyone got a light".

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: Why can't lesbians go on a diet?

A: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

It was Sunday, and the entire congregation was sitting inside its customary church. There were two interesting towns-people who had weird occupations during the Reverend's readings... A man who always fell asleep, and a woman who always knitted.

It just so happened that the two ended up sitting next to one another in the front row this particular Sunday, each doing their respective thing (sleeping and knitting). The Reverend starts:

 "Who is the creator of our great universe? Who gave us life to cherish and behold?"

 At this point the lady who was knitting (with a double tipped needle) pokes one side of it (accidentaly) into the sleeping man's side. The man woke up and screamed "GOD!!"

 "THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend intoned. "Who is the son of God who came down to visit the earth, and who did die for our sins?"

 The lady poked the poor guy again and he woke up screaming "JESUS CHRIST!!!"

 "THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend cried. "And what did Eve say to Adam after their last child?"

 The lady pokes him yet again and the man, finally fed up, yells: "STICK THAT

THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN TWO!!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: Why was the canible walking through the jungle eatting monkey shit?

A: He had just ate a Lawyer and had to get the taste out of his mouth.

 

Q: What did the Business graduate say to the Arts graduate?

A: You're fired!!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Once there was a bachelor who had a parrot. This parrot had a very annoying habit, though. Every time the bachelor brought a date back to his apartment, the parrot would start saying, "Braawwkk!! Somebody's gonna get screwed!

Somebody's gonna get screwed!"

 This usually caused the bachelor's dates to get very upset and leave.

 Well the bachelor was not getting laid since his dates were leaving, so he was understandably upset. He decided that maybe if he got a female parrot, his parrot would calm down when he brought dates home.

 So, he went to the pet store for a female parrot, but they were out of them. They did, however, have a female owl for sale. As the bachelor had a hot date lined up for the weekend, he decided he would take his chances with the owl.

 That weekend, he brought his date home and the parrot started up again, saying,

"Brraawwk!! Somebody's gonna get screwed! Somebody's gonna get screwed!"

 The owl started to get upset with all the commotion and started saying,

"Who!! Who!!"

 The parrot replied, "Not you, you flat-faced bitch!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

There were two brothers who worked for the mafia: Vinnie, who was a bodyguard for the godfather, and Joey, who was the godfather's main accountant. Joey was also deaf, and Vinnie served as his sign language interpreter.

One day, the godfather discovered that Joey had been playing with the books and had swindled him out of $2 million. He called the two brothers in to confront Joey:

Godfather: (To Vinnie) Tell your brother I know he has been stealing from me, and I want to know right now where the money is.

Vinnie signs this to his brother, who signs back:

 Vinnie: Joey says he doesn't know what you're talking about.

 Godfather: Look, you tell him I'm not playin' around. I want my $2 million and I want it now.

Vinnie again signs to Joey, who signs back:

Vinnie: He says to please believe him, that he hasn't taken any money from you.

Enraged, the godfather pulls out a pistol, and holds it Joey's temple.

Godfather: Okay, this is his last chance. Either the money or his brains will be laying out on this table.

Vinnie signs this to Joey, who frantically signs back that the money is in a secret compartment under a floorboard in his closet.

Vinnie: (Shaking his head). He says you haven't got the balls to kill me.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Penis names - How about:

- Sherman the One-Eyed German

- Throbbing Thrill Hammer

- Willy the one-eyed wonder worm

- One-eyed midget with a turtle neck sweater

- Trouser trout! (yawn)

- Heat seeking moisture missle!!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: What is the difference between a girl in the church and a girl in a bathroom?

A: Hope in the soul & Soap in the hole

 

Q: What is the similarity between a queen's night gown & her country's flag?

A: Both are raised by the King.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A boy and a girl were walking through the zoo one day and saw two elephants screwing. The girl asked, "What are they doing?" And the boy said, "They're making hamburger." They walk further and see two lions screwing. "What are they doing?" asks the girl. "Making hamburger" answers the boy. The pair go behind a tree and start screwing. A policeman comes by and asks the girl, "What are you two doing?" "We're making hamburger," says the girl. "Oh, so that must me catsup and mayo running down your leg!"

 Q: What's the difference between Jesus and Cassanova?

A: The looks on their faces when they get nailed.

 

Q: How do you know when your waitress hates you?

A: She gives you the Bloody Mary you ordered with the string still in it.

 

Q: What are the strings on tampons used for?

A: To floss after eating.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A little boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He walks up to the madame and says,"I want a girl!" The madame, shocked at the boy's presence and demand, said, "I'm sorry little boy, but you are far too young to be coming in here." The kid reaches into his pocket and pulls out a fifty dollar bill and gives to the lady. She thought, and said, "Well, let's see who's available for you."

"Wait a minute," said the little boy. "She's gotta have herpes!"

"I'm sorry, little boy, but all my girls are clean." Another fifty dollar bill to the lady.

"Well, one dirty girl coming right up!"

So she thinks and says, "Go upstairs, first door to the left. I think she'll take care of you just fine."

So the little boy goes up the steps, still dragging the dead frog behind him. It hits the stairs, BOOMP BOOMP BOOMP all the way up.

About 45 minutes later, the kid comes back down, and he's still got that dead frog on the string behind him, BOOMP BOOMP BOOMP all the way down the stairs. As he's halfway out the door, the madame stops him and asks him,

"Little boy, why are you dragging that dead frog around?"

He says, "OK, it's like this. Now I'm going to go home and have sex with my babysitter. Then tonight, when mommy and daddy come home and daddy takes the babysitter home, they'll screw in the back seat. Then daddy will come home, and go upstairs, and he and mommy will have sex befoe they go to bed. And in the morning, daddy leaves for work at eight, the milkman comes at ten, and HE'S THE FUCKER WHO KILLED MY FROG!!!!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

A: Take some gas, pour over it, light a match and WOOOOF!

 

Q: How do you make a dog sound like a cat?

A: Put it in the freezer, take it out when it is real stiff, take a chainsaw (motion of starting it, make sounds of chainsaw) and (with sawing motion over the frozen dog) MIIIAAUUUUU!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

I dated a woman with a wooden leg once but I had to break it off.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

ITALIAN JOKE:

 

So one day Dick and Harry are sitting in side of a street and Dick says, "I hate I-talians. They're the lousiest excuse for human beings on this earth." Then they see this Italian guy walking by them playing the drums. On top of the drum is a little monkey holding a coin bag. Dick drops a coin into that bag, and Harry says, "Why did you do that? I thought you hated Italians." To which Dick replies, "YEah, but they're so cute when theyre little!"

 

POLISH JOKES:

 

Q: What do you call a lump on a Polack's ass?

A: A brain tumor.

 

Q: How does a Polack take a shower?

A: He pisses into a fan.

 

Q: How does a Polack tie his shoes?

A: He puts on both shoes, puts one foot on the stool and ties the other one!

 

Two blacks and a Polack are walking down the street. One black snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm." The other black snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm." The polack snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got this snot on my finger!"

 

Q: Why do Polacks appear jarred in the senses?

A: 'Cause their parents gave birth to them standing up!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A minister of a certain church was interviewing three couples who wished to become members of the church.

"You have all interviewed well so far," he told them. "But there is one final requirement you must fulfill before you can enter our church.

"You must all abstain from sex for six weeks."

So, the three couples agreed to this, and six weeks later were interviewed again by the minister.

 "Well, sir," the minister said to the first husband, "Did you and your wife abstain for the full six weeks?"

 "Yes we did!" replied the husband. "It wasn't even difficult! My wife took up knitting, and I read a lot, and we never even missed sex."

"Congratulations!" said the minister, "Welcome to the church!"

 He then asked the second husband the same question.

"At first it was easy!" the second husband replied. "But near the end of the six weeks, it took all the will power we could muster up to get though. But we did it! We abstained for the full six weeks!"

 The minister congratulated the second couple. "Come on in to the church!"

 He asked the third husband the same question, and he replied, "I'm afraid I have bad news. We were doing OK, for awhile. But eventually I just couldn't take it any longer. When my wife bent over to pick up a bar of soap, I couldn't control myself! We sex right then and there."

 "I'm very sorry," said the minister. "But I'm afraid I won't be able to let you into our church."

"That's OK," replied the husband. "They won't let us back into Safeway either!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A man walks into a chemist and starts fumbling around in one of the aisles. "May I help you Sir", a female voice asks. He looks up and nervously asks 'Is... is there a male that could help me instead? I'd feel much more comfortable.'

The girl look suprised. 'What's the problem? Just tell me anyway, I'm sure I can help you with it!'. The man looks around, eventually deciding it's ok. 'I'm looking for some condoms'.

'Yes, certainly Sir', the girl replies, 'How many would you like?'

'Ninety-nine', the man blurts out, to which the girl replies

'NINETY-NINE, f*ck me dead, you'd better make that a HUNDRED!!'

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A girl (over 18) was sitting in a curch slightly whimpering when the preist came over to ask what was wrong. She said her boyfriend did something to her that was just bad to talk about. He said 'Don't worry you can tell me anything, your secret is safe' She responds that it's just too bad to talk about. So he takes her hand, rubs it and says 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' she replies. Then he starts to fondle her breast 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' Then he pulls up her shirt and starts to suck on them 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' Then he pulls her skirt down and procedes to eat her out 'Did he do this' 'Worse' So he pulls down his paints and starts to screw her. He starts pounding her and asks 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' 'Worse' he asks 'What could be worse than this?' Then she says 'He gave me SYPHILIS!!!'

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: How do you stop five black guys raping a white woman?

A: Throw them a basketball....

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Once upon a time a man was walking down the street. He saw an ancient oil lamp in an ash can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out popped a genie. This genie sounded more like Pauly Shore than Robin Williams. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish." The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life!"

 The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A pregnant woman was in labor; she was in the delivery room, her feet were up in the stirrups, she was ready to go. The doctor says, "Okay, now push!" The woman pushes, and after a few minutes, out pops the baby into the waiting hands of the OB/GYN. The doctor picks up the baby by the feet, whirls it around his head a few times and lets it fly into the opposite wall. The baby hits the wall headfirst with a resonant squishing sound and slides down the wall to the floor where it rests in a bloody, pulpy mass. The woman, horrified, said, "Doctor, Doctor, that was my baby!! What did you do that for!!!???" The doctor replied, "Oh it's okay - it was dead anyway."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

They were down there for about 4 days when Bruce said "We are out of money. We need to get more monery fast." Steve agreed, and he told Bruce he had an idea and to follow him. Bruce agreed and they want to a golf course. Bruce said "gee Steve what are we doing here?" Steve said "When I tell you to, stand up and scream." Bruce agreed.

Then a big mother fucken Texan gets up to tee off. Then he tees off. Then Steve says "NOW!!" Bruce jumps and down like a little girl screaming. Then Steve goes up to the big Texan and says "you hit my husband and we are going to sue you for 1 million dollars." The big Texan replied "Fuck you mother fuck, Suck my fucking dick!!" Then Steve yelled back to bruck, while he was jumping up and down all happy "Oh Bruce he wants to settle out of court."

One day Bruce and Bill started to run low on money and they agreed to both go looking fo a job. Then next day Bruce comes in and says I have a job but I have to get up early in the morning. So Bruce and Bill cut out their usual sex night that night. The next morning Bruce gets up and Bill is not around. Then Bruce takes a shower and gets ready to go to work. He comes down stair and sees Bill masterbating in a brown paper bag. Bruce says, "Bill what are you doing?"

Bill replys "I am packing your lunch"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Seems most of the fires in Kuwait had been put out, but there was one monster one left, and none of the daredevil teams had been able to put it out. The officials are looking at it deciding what to do next, and one of them says "Look, we're desperate, why not try those two Newfies who live down the road? They're always advertising that they'll take on any job that pays." So they decide to offer them $2 million each if they can put it out. They call the Newfies, who readily agree to try.

As the officials are standing there, they can see the dust from behind the Newfie jeep as it races across the desert. But instead of stopping, they go right past all of them into the heart of the blaze. Then they jump out and in a frenzy of activity, they tear out every removable part of the jeep and use them to beat out the fire.

The officials are amazed, and when the Newfies come over, the leader says to them "Gentlemen, I have never seen such courage in my life. We are so grateful that we're going to give you $4 mil each instead of 2." Then another official, who knows the Newfies fairly well, says, "Well, after living all these years in poverty, I guess there are going to be some big changes in your life now."

"Yep" says one of the Newfies, "and the first thing I'm gonna do is fix the brakes on the goddamn jeep."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A man goes into a Chemist and look around for a minute. The female pharmacist then askes him if he would like some assistance.

"No. I'd like to speak to the bloke who's usually here." He says. Then she gets snotty. "I'm sick of men who can't ask for condoms, this is the ninetys you know.... bleah, bleah etc."

The male chemist then comes from out the back, "G'day Bob. Haven't seen you in ages...", turns to the woman, "this is my brother Fred...."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a submarine with a tamborine?

A: The Salvation Navy!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A woman was giving birth to a baby, and the mid-wife was standing there ready for when the baby came out. The baby pops his head out, looks at the mid-wife and says "Are you my daddy?". The mid-wife says "No, I'm not your daddy" and the baby pulls his head back inside. The mid-wife calls the doctor over to see what's going on. The baby pops his head out, looks at the doctor and says "Are you my daddy?" "No, I'm not your daddy" says the doctor, and the baby pulls his head back in again. The doctor calls the father over to have a look. The father puts his head down, the baby pops his out and says "Are you my daddy?" "Yes" says the father, "I'm your dady". The baby knocks his fist against the father's forehead "Fuckin' hurts, doesn't it?"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

One morning the Head Nun pulled all the young nuns for a talk. She says 'I have something terrible to tell you. This morning a condom was found in the courtyard.' All the nuns simultaneously responded 'Oh No.' and one nun gigles 'he he.' Then the Head Nun says 'And it was used.' All the nuns 'Oh No.' and one nun gigles 'he he.' Then the Head Nun says 'And there was a rip in it' All the nuns go 'He he.' And one says 'OH NO!'

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: Did you hear about the naked jewish guy who went running into a wall with a hard on....

A: He broke his nose!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Three guys (substitute your favorite ethnic cultures here) were walking along a cliff when a genie appeared.

 "I will grant each of you one wish, but you must jump off the cliff and shout out your heart's desire... only then will I grant it to you."

The three dudes were impressed. So the first one leaps off and shouts "GOLD!!!!" A huge pile of gold appears at the bottom of the cliff, the guy lands on it and dies instantly.

The second one leaps off and shouts "SILVER!!!!". A huge pile of silver appears at the bottom, the guy lands on it and dies a slow, horrible death.

As the third one runs up to the edge to leap off, he trips and yells "OH, SHIT!!!!!" A huge pile of shit appears at the bottom, the guy lands smack bang in the middle of it...

 ...and emerges unhurt!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Two old ladies go the movie theatre. They sit down and wait for the movie to begin. The theatre fills up and an old man sits beside one of the old ladies. The movie begins to play, and the first lady turns to the second and says, "Ester, the man beside me is jerking off!"

 The second ladys says, "Oh my, let's move!"

the first lady says, "I can't, he's using my hand.."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: Why do black persons use mustard on their tootsie rolls?

A: So they don't eat their fingers.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

This guys walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of his best whiskey. The bartender pours it and the guy downs it and asks for another.

Again the bartender pours it and the gut downs it and asks for yet another.

Once again the bartender pours it and the guy downs it. The bartender then asks the guy, "Hey whats the occasion?" The guy answers, "I just had my first blow job." The bartender responds, "Then in that case heres one on me." The guy responds, "No thanks, if the first three didn't get rid of the taste I doubt if this one will."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Three guys are riding down the street in their friends new car. They're doing about 90 in a 35 mph zone. A cop stops them and orders the guys out of the car, they get out. The cop says "If your 3 dicks add up to 15 inches, I'll let you go without giving you a ticket". The first guy, we'll call him Fred, unzips and pulls out his dick, the cop gets his ruler out and measures it. It was 8 inches. The second guy , Tom, climbs out of the car pulls out his dick and it is 6 inches. The third guy, Jeff, gets out of the backseat and pulls out his dick, it was 1 inch. The cop says "Ok guys your free to go, but next time I'll make it 16 inches". On the way home Tom says "God we were lucky he was a nice cop", and Jeff says "God we were lucky I had a boner".

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Q: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

A: If you'd listen to me, we wouldn't be in this jam!

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

President Clinton was out jogging with his usual group of Secret Service Agents when he came upon a small boy with a box full of puppies with a sign that read "Free Puppies". The President stopped in front of the boy and asked him if he knew who he was. "Yes sir, you're the President" the boy responded. "That's right son," said the President, "and what kind of puppies are these?" "Why they're Democrats" said the boy. The President thought that this was the cutest thing he ever saw, patted the boy on the head and continued his on his way. The next day, the President brought Al Gore along on his jog hoping to see the young boy again. When the President spotted the young boy, he told the Vice-president to watch. The President stopped in front of the boy as he did the day before and asked the boy if he knew who he was. "Yes sir, you're the President", said the boy. "And what kind of puppies are these?" asked the President knowing the boy's answer would please the Vice-president. "Why they're Republicans" answered the boy. The President was perplexed. "Yesterday you told me that these were Democrats and today, you tell me they are Republicans, what's going on?" The boy answered, "Yesterday, their eyes were closed".

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Three surgeons were at a surgeon's convention. During their free time they decided to go to a bar, and after a few beers they started arguing about what type of person was the easiest to operate on.

 "That's easy," said the first surgeon. "The easiest people to operate on arethe Germans, because when you cut 'em open, everything's right where it's supposed to be and it all works right."

 "No, no, no," said the second surgeon. "The Germans are good, but the easiest person to operate on is a Jap. Everything's right where it belongs and works right, just like the Krauts, but it's all COLOR-CODED, so you just follow the blue on down."

The third surgeon took a long slug of beer and then said, "Well, shit, you guys don't know what you're talking about. The easiest person, well, his nationality doesn't matter. The easiest person to operate on is a LAWYER."

The other two surgeons said, "What the hell are you talking about? You must be nuts."

But the third surgeon replied, "Well, I've found that lawyers are really simple. There's just two moving parts and they're interchangeable: the mouth and the asshole."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Three old men were sitting around moaning and groaning about how bad life is.

"Ohhh, if only I could take a leak, life would be so much better. Every day I get up and my dick feels like it's gonna explode because I got piss so bad, but when I go in the john I try and try and nothing comes out. Ohhh, if only I could just get a good piss, life would be OK," said the first old man.

 "I wish I weren't so all-powerful constipated," complained the second man.

"Every morning I get up and I have to take a massive shit. I go in there and I take a nice long, relaxing piss, but then I can't manage more than a tiny little fart. Ohhhh, if I could just shit, then I'd be happy."

The third old man said, "You guys got the life. Every day, regular as clockwork, at 8 AM I take a big, long, relaxing piss. Feels great. Then I take the hugest, most glorious shit. Such a great sensation."

 "So what's your bitch?" asked the other two men.

 "Well, I don't get up until 9."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

There was this small town which was entirely Catholic, except for one man who was a Protestant. The Catholics didn't mind this, except that every Friday, when the weather was good, he would go out on his patio and grill a steak. The smell of cooking beef upset many of the Catholics as they sat down to their fish dinner. So, year after year, they constantly badgered him to change his religion and become Catholic. Finally, he assented.

On Sunday, there was a little ceremony in town church which concluded with the priest saying to the man, "You were born a Protestant, you were raised a Protestant, but now you are Catholic."

All the Catholics were quite pleased with the way things had turned out, until the next Friday, when once again the smell of steaks came wafting through the neighborhoods. Angered by this, a group of Catholics came to man's yard, demanding to know what he was doing. They saw him grilling his steak, and speaking to it, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you are a fish."

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

This lady walks into a deli and says to the guy behind the counter:

"Hey..gimme a dozen bagles" and they guy says to her "Sorry, lady..no bagles today"

So the lady takes off. A half hour later, the same lady comes in and says "Hey...gimme a dozen bagles" and the guy says "Lookit, lady, we don't have any bagles!" So she shrugs and leaves again. About an hour later, the same lady shows up again and says "Hey...gimme a dozen bagles!" The guy says "Lookit lady, you know how there is cat as in catalyst"

the lady agrees

"And dog as in dogma?"

the lady agrees again

"And fuck as in bagles?"

The lady says "Hey! There's no fuck in bagles!"

The guy says "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

What's so gross about eating bald pussy? babies don't have orgasm.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A man moved to a remote Alaskan village, but when he went into town to look around, he noticed that he was being shunned by all the locals. Nobody would return his greetings or even look at him. He was stumped.

Finally an old lady took pity on him and said, "You know, nobody is going to accept you until you perform our rite of passage."

"What is that?" he said.

"Well, first you have to drink a fifth of vodka, then go kill a polar bear, then make love to a woman in the snow."

So that evening, he comes back into town, goes to the local bar, and orders a fifth of vodka. After consuming the bottle, he stumbles outside into the snow and finds a polar bear cave. He emerges victorious fifteen minutes later and roars, "Now where's that woman I gotta kill!!??"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

President Clinton, Prime Minister Major and Premier Gorbechev are all flying together to a summit meeting. En Route they are discussing whose people are the most loyal and obedient.

 " The americans are, of course" Prez Clinton assertred and offered to demosrtate.. He approached an aide and ordered hin to jump out of the plane.

 "I'm sorry Mr President, but I can't do it, I have a wife and three children to support."

 Prime Minister Major tried the same test on one of his aides.

 "I'm sorry Mr Prime Minister, but I can't do it, I have a wife and three children to support."

 Gorbechev then put one of his assistants to the test.

 "Jump!" he commanded one of his aides. The aide immediately opened the hatch and leaped out off the aircraft.

He landed in the sea where a group of astounded fisherman hauled him out of the ocean, shaken, battered but still alive.

 "Why in heavens name did you jump out of that aircraft?" they inquired.

 Answered the Russian.."Because I have a wife and three children to support!"

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Two gay guys Bruce and Tom where having sex in the bedroom. Tom was on top and orgasimed first. He then traded positions with Bruce so he could cum as well. Just then the phone rang, so they stopped what they were doing and Tom got up to answer the phone on the condition that Bruce did not orgasim while he was away. Bruce promised. Tom answered the phone and upon entering the bedroom again he noticed that there was cum all over the walls and all over the bed. "Bruce, you promised." said Tom to which Bruce replied, "Don't worry, I just farted."

 

 

Till toppen.

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© Lars Cardell 2001.

Updated 6 january 2002.